I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
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It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
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Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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