dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
