Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
