nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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