I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
