Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
