peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
