Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
