She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
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full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
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I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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