Who did Billy Mays play for?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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