After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
