I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
