I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
