gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I want to be your penis for a week.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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