Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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