I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
