but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
