Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
