No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
