Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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