I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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