Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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