When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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