you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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