I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Pants are for mortals
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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