I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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