don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
