Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
wanna go halves on a baby?
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Randomize
