Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
