i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
