so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
