I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Randomize
