I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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