if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
