Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
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Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
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Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.