I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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