He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
