I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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