The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
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I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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