Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
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