it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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