Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
