Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
