There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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