You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
