giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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