Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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