My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
