I got chris browned last night
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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