I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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