Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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