but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
