my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
