Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
