to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
