If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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