Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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