One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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