Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
