I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
