I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
