He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
