The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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